I am my best self when I am running slowly

Photo by Jenny Hill on Unsplash

I used to run lots of races. I was a constant presence in the back of the pack, running for myself, for time, for that good feeling of tired legs at the top of a long hill. When the race ran on trails, the first person to an obstacle would always call back behind them, “Rock!” or “Hole!” or whatever it was, so that no one else would be surprised by it and we could all reach the finish safely, at our paces, and fully intact.

This was the kind of care we took of one another. This is the kind of care I am getting ready to take of other people.

To look behind me and call out, “That’s a false self!” or “That’s not your shame!” or “Judgement! You can leave it behind!” I am not yet in the place to be a guide, but I can get there. I am getting there, stumbling through my own obstacles with my own guides, people who are several paces ahead of me.

First, I have to run my own race, and move forward at my own pace.

There’s another thing that happens in races, especially at the back of the pack — Everyone spreads out just a little bit so each person can have their space — their space to run faster or slower or even walk a little bit. Their space to dig deeply for that part of themselves that holds their determination, their reason for being out running in the first place. So that they can wrap the joy of a…